


I Need a Medical Line

by ObtuseOctopus



Series: The Ortiz Family [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Depression, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, POV First Person, References to Depression, Unresolved Sexual Tension, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23305894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • COMPLETE. •Before their relationship took off further, before Malachite, Lapis was already internally struggling.First person POV. 16+.
Relationships: Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)
Series: The Ortiz Family [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1574440
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	I Need a Medical Line

**Author's Note:**

> // TW/CW;   
> themes of depression, self-deprecating themes, allude of suicide, some sexual themes.

It’s… interesting how birthdays are supposed to be this… this moment of appreciation and happiness, celebrating someone is getting older, that someone… soon will be gone. Years will come by and more seasons will come and go, the earth keeps going, with or without you. You know that bluebird that was outside your window before? Yeah, it’s dead now. And one day so will you. But notice how still the world spins, without any delay? It’s because it doesn’t care. You could scream a thousand pleas to whatever god you believe in, and you will get no answer. The world will keep going. You make no difference with how the seasons come again or the weather.

You mean nothing. Not to the world.

… Fuck, I’ve been drinking too much again. I’m sober, I swear, I just… stopped feeling drunk long ago. I could put myself in cardiac arrest with how much drinks I sneak and I promise you I can stay sober. It’s my speciality. It’s like how you just accept the shitty taste at the end of every rainbow you put into your mouth. Eventually you just stop tasting it. You stop feeling that jig the rainbow gives you. You feel… empty.

I hate this birthday. I’m supposed to be supportive, I know. It’s Jasper’s cousin who is getting older today. There’s this huge chocolate cake flowering with vanilla icing, and the inside has a gooey cream that melts in your mouth.

I’m sorry. I’m not interested. I raided the cooler as soon as I got here and had a bottle in my hand since.

I gazed out at the vastness, my upper body supported by the railing of the patio I sought refuge under. I hate socializing, so I found a private place to retreat to. It’s good, I won’t lie- nobody bothers me out here. It’s dark, it’s busy, nobody cares that I’m out here.

Except Jasper. I can sense her out here and I don’t even need to turn around to know she’s out here with me. Watch, she’s going to ask me to come back inside. Three, two, one…-

“Lapis, it’s cold out here. Come back inside.”

Bingo. There it is. I gave a lazy groan, not wanting to move or be bothered. “It’s so fun out here though,” I laughed. Painfully, internally.

Jasper rolled her eyes, standing next to me. She nudged my shoulder. “Lapis, come on.”

“Ask me tomorrow,” I sighed, downing the rest of the bottle in my hand. I gave a glance over at Jasper. She noticed, smiled, then nodded. She knew what I was thinking. How far could I chuck the bottle? Childish, I know. She’s my encouraging idiot, if it involves anything destructive.

“Aim it towards the bushes,” Jasper stated. “I don’t want someone stepping on glass.”

“Then why don’t  _ you  _ chuck it?” I giggled, handing the bottle over.

Jasper refused. “If I got caught chucking bottles, I’d be beat.”

“With a sandal?”

“Bet your ass with a sandal.” Jasper took the bottle, and she sat it down on the railing. Gently. It always intrigued me how soft she could be. For someone like her, gentle isn’t exactly what you’d expect. Yet… that’s what she was.

She was softer than any lullaby I ever heard. And that’s saying a lot as I’ve never had one. She was my iodine, my drug, my love, she… was my reason to be alive.

I couldn’t help but snort when she grabbed me and pulled me closer to her, beginning to pepper me in kisses. And she said that I was immature? She was the warmth of the sun on a Hawaiian Cruise, meanwhile I was the storm that raged the seven seas. Together, there was this… fullness. It was peaceful, beautiful, wonderful-.

I wish it could stay like this…

“You’re missing out on the birthday,” I reminded coyly, whirling my fingers through her hair.

“It’s just a few minutes,” Jasper retorted. “They won’t mind.”

“Your cousin might.”

“You think?” Jasper leaned in, bearing a wide toothy smile. She was a Cheshire Cat, but more of a caramel take. She caught my lips, greeting me in the hush of a direct kiss. Course I kissed her back, I would be ridiculous not to. 

I leaned back against the railing, and Jasper caught me. She cushioned my back with a single hand, her other hand upon my shoulder. Our faces were locked in a battle of the ages, lip on lip and tongue on tongue. She’s taller than me, but that doesn’t matter when it comes to affection.

We… kind of get carried away with these sorts of things. Our love is a torrent that has chlorine; lavishing, dangerous, but also exciting and full of thrills. Jasper’s cousin was lucky that she didn’t have a glass door and that was dark, otherwise we’d freak everyone out with our show.

But who cares? This is my life. This… is my life. 

This is my life…

I’m alive.

The thought echoed in a haunting manner. It rattled my skull, waking me from the hazy chocolates and daydreams of our love. Startled by my own thoughts, I jumped for a second, coming back to earth with the realization that Jasper had been slipping her free hand down towards the middle of my thighs, easily sneaking into my pants.

“... You okay?” Jasper grunted, catching eye of my flinch. She stopped.

I nodded after a second. “You’re fine.”

“But are you?”

I panicked. Internally.

I’m  _ not  _ fine.

It’s not Jasper.

It’s  _ me.  _ It’s me and my past, my experiences, my life before I met her that... ruined me.

“I’m fine,” I repeated, moving my hips forward impatiently. “Go ahead.”

There was  _ hesitance  _ in her eyes. She looked at me like as if she was looking at a baby bird about to take its last breath. It… made me beyond nervous. She didn’t continue. Instead, she backed up, and pulled herself away from me.. “Jasp-“

“Later, if you’re still up for it,” Jasper hushed me.

I stared, flabbergasted and shocked.

I  _ knew _ that Jasper caught whim of me being… stupidly caught up again in my own head and was just making excuses. I was  _ furious  _ at her.

I watched her head back inside, feeling so.. alone.

My father walked out on me just like that before; his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes not even on me, he never even hugged me before or told me goodnight. My mother would leave me to starve. She hated me just the same.

They didn’t want me. The black hole of a mother that I made the mistake of making my mother didn’t want me.

Jasper suddenly leaving like this was… causing strong emotions within me to overwhelm me. I’m gonna say it, even though all of you are going to hate me for it. Jasper doesn’t understand, she just… avoids when I feel like this and… goes off to make merry. I get it; I’m no fun when I’m like this. I get like this a lot and it’s… embarrassing. I’m happy and then suddenly crash, the whole building topples. I disconnect, I stop responding if I go too deep, Jasper knows this and…-

God...

You know what I’m talking about.

Depression.

Yeah, I’m talking about the stupid weight you feel- sometimes for no reason you can find. I’m talking about the gray cloud over your head, the darkness that comforts you in your bedroom, the ugliness inside you that infects you and becomes you until it IS you. It becomes something more than ugliness, it becomes your life. Daily you are affected; you can’t keep up with yourself nor your personal hygiene or the relationships you want to pursue. I love Jasper, but I just… can’t keep doing this. I want to. She  _ acknowledges  _ me, and makes me feel like I’m worth living for.

But...

Depression is a shark that took a big bite out of you and thought you tasted good, so it came back for more.

I know… I shouldn’t be stigmatizing sharks, but nor should we make depression romantic. It’s anything but. Who would  _ want  _ to glorify something that takes away from our lives? Something that makes you feel like everyone around you just died even after the happiest day of your life? One minute you’re smiling, laughing… The next minute you’re either sobbing on the floor or you’ve grown too accustomed to the feeling that you just sit there with a drink in hand, too numb to bother with it.

My mom, gosh she was the funniest thing ever. She would… I don’t know, she was always so… odd. She was this cynical, self-centered, narcissist who got her kicks by reminding me of how worthless I was. My father, he was hardly home. When he was, he would ignore me or shove me out, one time he kicked me out just for being in the living room when he wanted to watch television. I slept outside that night on a cold sidewalk. I’ve never heard a single “I love you” out of them.

I can’t complain… someone has it worse than me I bet… at least I had a house, and at least I had parents. Food, if I was good.

Then why do I always feel so shitty?

There’s a cookie jar at the top shelf- it’s out of reach, you just can’t get to that gooey, warm chocolate sweetness inside. But, there’s a stool, and it can help you get to those treats. It’s too heavy for you to carry alone.

Thing is, you just need to ask somebody to get you that stool.

And I… know for a fact that nobody will get it for me.

Not even Jasper.

I’ve made a fool of myself.

Yet I stay, hoping things can change. I can’t do anything but hope they will.

I stared at the bottle, then collapsed to my knees, holding my head with both of my hands.

I want out of this hell.

I want to be seen, to be loved, to be adored and just… told that I’m worth it, that I’m worth living.

I can’t handle being alone, although I have been all my life.


End file.
